Pre-Credits: According to the preview, it’s the evil influence of the Negaverse that makes chicks think they have to be waifs to be pretty. So…why don’t you conquer your anorexia in later episodes, Sailor Hypocrite? Hmm…that was harsh…do we really want chubby chicks in microskirts fighting make-up monsters? And what’s with Moon eating constantly for comic effect while maintaining chicken legs? Eh…I’ll leave this topic for somebody’s “Women in the Media” term paper, I gots me an episode guide to plow through…

The Show: Anyway, the actual episode opens with Serena weighing herself, and having gained half a pound, she freaks out. Serena’s younger brother Sammy debuts quietly. Luna taunts her because Luna is frickin’ evil. The evil Queen Beryl says some crap I don’t care about (even though it contains a line of the ep.) We get our first exterior of Crossroads Junior High School, leading my brother to bring back our old Sailor Moon/Manos in-joke, humming Cream’s “Crossroads.” The girls are apparently 14 at this point…anyway, generic girls we will never see again after there are enough Scouts for dialogue chat about dieting. We find out Melvin stalks Haruna, and snaps saucy workout photos. The girl gang joins the gym, and you must have skipped the first two episode summaries if you don’t know it’s an evil Negaverse gym run by Jedeite. Of course, he’s wearing glasses, using a femmy voice and calling himself “Jed,” so Serena doesn’t recognize him. He don’t need no stinking Disguise Pen. Anyway, everyone works out for awhile and goes to the secret underground beauty spa full of “relaxation pods” which are quite obviously evil alien energy suckers (that suck evil alien energy, natch.) The goofy girls even strike mummy poses once they’re in! Commercial break.

The girls get out of the pods, and shockingly, feel tired and drained of energy. Jed wisely (and faggily) lets them out while they’re still alive so they can rest and provide more energy in the future. Sailor V vs the Blues Brothers again. Serena comes on to arcade employee Andrew, who gives her soda. A menu in the background includes the word “WAR.” Serena tries to talk Andrew out of his dreams of helping humanity as a doctor, because she wants him to make $5.25/hr at the arcade forever. Andrew acts nice and makes Serena happy, then Darien acts like a jerk and makes the scene much cooler. Luna dog piles on her because Luna is evil. Serena decides to workout like a fiend, and Luna luckily stumbles across the Relaxation Pods O’ Doom. Commercial break.

When we come back, Luna tries to kill Serena. Eventually, Luna spares Serena the wrath of her claws and orders her to investigate the obviously evil relaxation room. A strangely familiar montage makes Serena become Sailor Moon. Moon, despite her awesome power, fails to spay Luna. Serena spontaneously figures out that Jed is Jedeite, and has to fight Negaverse Roid-Ragers who are roughly twice her size. In a fight scene whose animation makes Rocky and Bullwinkle look like Akira, Moon manages (I think) to trick a Roider into throwing his dumbbell into some presumably important glowing glob of green stuff. Now Moon uses her previously fatal Moon Tiara Magic on these obviously misguided humans, but luckily they simply return to normal (yelling about “hook-ups,” etc.) Then we get Serena in the tub, and we find out just how awesome her brother Sammy is when we learn he rigged the scale to freak Serena out. Serena actually believes she weighs 300 lbs, because she’s an idiot.

Thoughts and reflections: The Negaverse never told anyone they had to be thin to be beautiful, they just took advantage of a notion that already existed. The only people to harass these girls about their weight were Darien and Luna, who are apparently the root cause of Womankind’s greatest misery. Also, Jedeite was really, really gay in this episode for no reason I can see.

Line of the Episode:
Jedeite's brilliant relaxation pod deception
Other Gooduns:
Queen Beryl to Jedeite: “Yes, I must commend your efforts.” Kinda funny because…well…he didn’t accomplish much.
Serena: “Am I gonna turn into a donut?”
Jedeite: “That Sailor Moon is getting on my nerves!” Amen, Jed.